Posted by: Carlos | December 21, 2009

Lessons from a Chick Flick

I’ve decided to have a little fun today – so please don’t take any of this too seriously.

Those of you who periodically follow this blog are probably aware that I’m a videophile. I love feature films and documentaries and on occasion, have been a faithful follower of selected television shows and series. The common denominator among the things I watch is that they must engage my mind and/or emotions. In other words, I don’t normally watch something simply to pass the time or as an ”escape”. As a father of two females (Shana: 12 and Rachel: soon-to-be 14), I’ve seen all the major ”girl” movies and most of the popular kids movies of the past 10-12 years. In recent times, however; with Rachel’s emergence as a young woman, I’ve also learned to understand and negotiate my way through all things “chick”. This obviously includes “chick flicks“, which I am often compelled to watch because our family is democratic about managing its Netflix queue. Here’s a link to an article from 2008 in the New York Times about this genre.

The other evening, we watched a movie that was obviously selected by Rachel & Barbara (my wife) - Julie & Julia. Unbeknownst to me, it was written and directed by one of the acknowledged queens of the “chick flick” genre, Nora Ephron. Had I known this, I wouldn’t have been such a reluctant participant because I’ve really enjoyed several of her films, including Silkwood (w/Meryl Streep and Cher), When Harry Met Sally, and Sleepless in Seattle. Guys, go ahead and cringe if you must! I prefer to think of it as making me a much more “rounded” person ;-).

As it turns out, Sleepless in Seattle has become one of Rachel’s favorite films. We’ve watched it countless times together, reciting bits of memorized dialogue - much as I did with my father and the film The Magnificent Seven (Calvera the bandit, after telling a brief story: “I merely wanted to show you what little religion people now have.” Sotereo the innkeeper, in response: “That I can see for myself”. Calvera jumps up, slapping Sotero twice across the face and growls: “Don’t see!”).

Like her father, Rachel has become quite the connoisseur of media – particularly books and film.

Personally, I found the movie to be delightful and was particularly impressed with Meryl Streep’s portrayal of Julia Child - that is, the image of Julia Child most of us had from watching her on TV over the years. Afterwards, I reflected on the movie and did a little bit of research on Julia. By most accounts, she possessed two characteristics that I believe are essential to achieving excellence. First of all, she was absolutely fearless. This doesn’t mean she didn’t have any fears or failures – she had plenty. It simply means that she never allowed them to dictate the course of her life. This struggle to “overcome” engendered a strong sense of determination, which in turn, allowed her to persevere through adversity and setbacks. The second characteristic that caught my attention was her adaptability or flexibility. Time and time again, she was forced to adapt to changing circumstances, to roadblocks she encountered, and to resistance or discrimination on the part of others. Invariably, she managed to find a way through or around.

I found the portrayal of Julia Child to be inspiring – as did my daughter, Rachel. In that regard, the movie conformed to one of the fundamental tenets of a modern-day “chick flick”: it portrayed a strong woman, who was in many respects ordinary, but who was able to accomplish extraordinary things in life. That’s something you don’t need to be a “chick” to appreciate.

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Posted in Culture, Musings on Life

Posted by: Carlos | December 17, 2009

Some Thoughts on Forgiveness

I saw the new Clint Eastwood film Invictus the other evening with my wife and another couple (a real double date!). As so often happens with me, a particular event, a specific item of media (article, book, film, etc.), or a personal interaction ends up serving as a point of consolidation for various streams of thought and musings that have been in my mind and/or heart for some time. In this case, the movie tied together two books I have read in past few years: Nelson Mandela’s “Long Walk to Freedom” and “Amish Grace“, a documentary film released in 2007 entitled “The Power of Forgiveness“, and a recent talk on forgiveness that I gave to a group of students from San Francisco State’s InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.

My humble explorations on the topic of forgiveness have brought me to one foundational conclusion: true forgiveness requires us to go “beyond” ourselves – beyond our own feelings and often beyond what we believe is reasonable or possible. As a Christian, I look to the Bible for inspiration in such matters. In preparing for my recent talk, I was led to the gospel of Matthew, Chapter 18, verses 21-35; what is commonly known as the “Parable of the Unforgiving Debtor“. In verse 21, Peter - one of Jesus’ most committed followers, asks about the extent of forgiveness. He throws out a proposal that he believes is totally magnanimous: “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” He’s obviously trying to impress Jesus with his generosity, as evidenced in the scope of his potential forgiveness. In considering Peter’s proposal, it should be noted that the prevailing Jewish tradition was to extend forgiveness to someone three times. It’s believed that this practice evolved from the first two chapters of the Old Testament book of Amos – where the following refrain is repeated eight times: “the people of ________ have sinned again and again, and I will not let them go unpunished!” Because this refrain alluded to two consecutive instances of sin before God would respond with punishment, the people believed that forgiving three times was safely within God’s standard.

Jesus’ response blows Peter completely out of the water: “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” Clearly this is not an issue of finite numbers, of keeping count; it describes a level of forgiveness that seems unfathomable to us. It certainly was to Peter, who in what we would describe today as a “Homer Simpson” moment, probably responded with his day’s equivalent of “Doh!” Jesus, seeing Peter’s bewilderment, responds by essentially saying: let Me give you an example of what I’m talking about…

The story (parable) Jesus proceeds to tell Peter acknowledges the reality of our lives as human beings. Namely, that asking people to forgive their enemies or those who have significantly wounded or hurt them in the past is much too difficult a first step. Instead, we should first consider (reflect upon) the level and amount of forgiveness we have received from God and from those around us (family, friends, community) over the years. Truth be told, all of us have been making regular “withdrawals” from the bank of forgiveness since before we can remember. This is why Jesus begins the story by talking about the magnitude of the king’s forgiveness for the man who owed him millions (literally everything).

The real-life example of Nelson Mandela reinforces this principle. Mandela entered prison an “angry” man, focused on taking vengeance upon his captors and overthrowing the Apartheid regime by violent means, if necessary. Over time, he learned that he, his white jailers, and the white government officials actually had much in common as human beings – particularly regarding their fear-based responses to political uncertainty and cultural differences. Once he learned to look beyond himself, he began to study his “enemies”; learning how they behaved, why they acted as they did, and ultimately, how to communicate with them. This shift in “moral” stance on the part of Mandela and the political movement he led eventually cast apartheid in a light that the global community could no longer tolerate. The beginning of the end was South Africa’s subsequent political and economic alienation from the rest of the world. Without that power, the few could no longer rule over the many.

Returning to the movie, what struck me the most was its portrayal of Mandela’s dogged insistence that true development and reconciliation in South Africa could only take place within the context of forgiveness and acceptance. In assuming the presidency, he called black South Africans to a higher standard. He clearly foresaw that replacing white oppression for black oppression and simply shifting fear from one group of people to another was no solution. I thought the most moving scene in the film was when the national rugby team visited Robben Island where Mandela had been imprisoned for so many years. Upon entering what used to be Mandela’s cell, the team captain wondered aloud how a man who had been oppressed for so long in that place could so willingly forgive his captors and those who had empowered them. I believe the answer, consistent with what is described in the book Amish Grace, is that for Nelson Mandela forgiveness was a lifestyle – not something that was ”called up” by force of personal will only when needed.   

As you may have surmised, the movie touched me at a level that went way beyond the critics’ “expert” observations. Perhaps some of them felt the way I did but were loathe to express such personal opinions in a review. Who knows?

Finally, if you’d like to examine another take on the relationship between forgiveness and reconciliation, check this out this link.

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Posted in Culture, Spiritual

Posted by: Carlos | December 6, 2009

The Other Daughter

Several weeks ago, my wife and I met with our daughter Shana’s teacher after school. Pending the long-overdue completion of a construction project, her classroom is tucked away in the furthest corner of the building behind the stage of the school auditorium. For various reasons, Shana’s campus goes on full lockdown less than an hour after the end of the school day. All access is then controlled by security personnel – think young men in day-glo vests with walkie-talkies, instead of uniformed, armed guards ;-). We had already informed security that we would be exiting via the auditorium doors instead of returning to the main entrance. As we prepared to leave the building, we saw several young men (middle school age) riding their bikes just outside the doors. Apparently, they were waiting for someone to exit the building so that they could sneak inside and ride around on the wheelchair ramps adjoining the auditorium. When I refused to let them in, one young man in particular began to argue with and curse at me. Because I didn’t sense any threat of physical violence, I held my ground and shut the door behind me. That unleashed a final tirade of profanity as we walked away. Shana attends an after-school program on campus, so either me or my wife swing by to pick her up about 5 pm every day. The sad thing for me as a parent is seeing how many young people are still loitering around campus at that hour (school ends at 3:25 pm). The ones I’m talking about aren’t waiting for parents to pick them up – they’re unsupervised, with nowhere to go and nothing in particular to do. The optimist in me wants to believe that their parents are working hard, trying their best to provide (financially and otherwise) for them, and that they see their children as special – but I wonder if the attitude of the young man we encountered reflects very different life circumstances.

I was thinking about all of this as my “other daughter” Rachel works her way through the high school application process. I’ve written quite a bit about Shana, but like so many siblings of special needs children, Rachel seems to get overlooked – at least in my writing. On the other hand, I’m finding out that there’s nothing more embarrassing than the parent of a teenager! As any parent of a “mixed” family (special needs and normally-developing children) will attest, the challenge is not merely dealing with special needs – but how to keep your other children from feeling marginalized. Rachel’s first choice for high school is St. Ignatius (SI), a private, college-prep school here in the city. I can hear the questions already…yes, it’s expensive – but we decided to apply and then if she’s accepted, confront the financial challenges of private school tuition.

Applicants to SI are allowed to designate two people for letters of recommendation.  The school then contacts those individuals privately to solicit the letters. So often, we as parents are not the best judge of ”who” are children are – particularly as they get older and spend more time outside the home. As such, the opinions of others we trust can often validate or refute what we believe to be true about our children. With that in mind and because I rarely write about Rachel – I’d like to share an abridged version of a recommendation letter that was written on her behalf.

    I’ve known Rachel since her birth and during this time have seen her blossom into a wonderful, adventurous and intelligent young woman. I’ve had the opportunity to see her academic interests unfold and also been privileged to see Rachel’s Christian faith grow and develop as a strong compass for her life.
I’ve always enjoyed watching Rachel tackle new or interesting opportunities on her own. She is confident and unencumbered by what others are thinking or doing.
    Rachel is a highly intelligent, verbal young lady. At school she works hard to try her best and even when she encounters challenges, she perseveres and does not give up. I enjoy asking her opinion about what she is learning. She is reflective and is not reluctant to get metacognitive about what and how she is learning as well as what supports her learning.
    Rachel’s Christian faith is another strength. She is not a nominal follower but understands what it means to live a faith that has practical application to life, whether it’s responding to schoolyard pettiness, living with a disabled sibling or dealing with academic challenges. Through all of these situations I have been able to witness how her faith influences her responses to what for others might bring out negative or hurtful responses.
    Overall, I believe Rachel would make a valuable addition to the SI community. Her strong spirit, academic strengths and active personal faith make her an ideal candidate for your school.
 
BTW, I had to look it up too…metacognitive is defined as having an awareness and understanding of one’s thinking and cognitive processes. What parent, particularly of a teenager, wouldn’t glow with joy over a such a wonderful description of his or her child? I don’t take credit for this – I thank God for my family, friends (among them the author of this letter), and other people of influence in Rachel’s life because no single individual can successfully raise a child on his or her own.

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Posted in Culture, Family

Posted by: Carlos | December 2, 2009

Thanksgiving – oops!

In my previous post, I wrote about busy season at work and its impact on my life at this time of year. Although the post was published on December 1st, it was actually written a few days earlier. Upon reflection, I realized that it wasn’t too hard to read between the lines and come to the conclusion that the focus was almost entirely on me. In that regard, two recent incidents have served as sober reminders that it’s very easy to get caught up in self-centeredness, even as we try to convince ourselves that such behavior is not the same as being selfish.  The Merriam Webster Collegiate Thesaurus lists ”selfishness” as a synonym for “self-centeredness”. It goes on to define selfishness as: “ a concern for one’s own welfare at the expense of or in disregard of others” [emphasis added]. OUCH! Clearly, I needed to add another “self” term to my list - ”self-deception”.

The other day, I was heading to the local FedEx Office center to do a production copy job. My route took me onto a street where a Home Depot Pro Center and a regular Home Depot are about two blocks apart from one another. Because I normally take a different route to the copy center, I hadn’t been on that street for months. Imagine my surprise when I found that the entire two blocks of sidewalk between the stores was occupied by day laborers – who upon seeing that I was driving a wagon/SUV, clamored for my attention. In the past, these men had been pretty much confined to a area around the driveway of the Pro Center. Now there enough of them to cover two city blocks! My heart sank as I thought about my self-centered ”whining” regarding work and how busy I was. All the while, these men were simply wondering if they were going to work that day, perhaps what they were going to eat, or even where they would sleep that night.

The other day I needed to get out of the house (I work out of a home office) for some fresh air and exercise. I decided to go up to Gleneagles and play a quick nine holes of golf. When I got there, I spent some time chatting with the superintendent (greenskeeper) Ignacio. He told me that because business had been very slow this fall, his two assistants had been cut back to five hours a day (yes, they maintain the entire course with only three people). Because I speak Spanish and love to practice it with the staff, I’ve gotten to know his two young assistants fairly well. They commute across the bay from the city of Richmond and while I know they live simply, a 37% reduction in their hours has to be devastating. There I was, with the time and financial resources to play golf, while they’re probably having to consider their employment options - just as Christmas approaches.        

In the Bible, the following exhortation is found in a letter written by the apostle Paul to the church community at Philippi (Greece): “Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand” (Philippians 2:3-4, Message Translation). This passage of scrupture and the recent incidents I’ve described have made me realize a somewhat “inconvenient truth” – busy season causes me to disregard others and shut-out things that are happening around me. In so doing, I’m neither thankful for what I have nor aware of how I might be able to help others around me. It’s a hard lesson, but I hope and pray that next year things will be different.

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Posted in Musings on Life, Spiritual

Posted by: Carlos | December 1, 2009

Where Have You Been?

Because I haven’t posted anything since the last week of August, many of you may be wondering – where have you been? Several people have also asked if I had stopped blogging altogether. In attempting to answer these questions, I’ve had to stop and ask myself – where to begin?

For starters, I’ve been in the midst of busy season at work. Think April 15th for tax preparers, accountants, etc. It starts for me around mid-September and usually runs through the first week of December. During the last two or so weeks, it’s an all-out, burnout where perspective gets thrown out the window and all I can think about is getting to the finish line.  Despite the fact that I’ve gone through this annual ritual for over 15 years, it never gets any easier.  Every gain in productivity and efficiency I’ve attained has been more than offset by increases in the amount and complexity of work required.

And it’s not just about me…This fall, my wife has been busier than ever in her role as Adjunct Staff (in Spiritual Direction) with the Mercy Center in Burlingame.  At the start of September, we were also asked to become part of the Pastoral Care staff at our church. We’re only part-timers, but even that status comes with significant responsibilities – particularly when compared to the level of commitment generally required of ”volunteers”. I should also mention that our eldest daughter, Rachel, is entering high school next year. This means that we’ve also been in the process of evaluating schools, submitting applications, and in the case of one private school – pursuing financial aid. 

Taken together, this “perfect storm” of activity has forced us to become even more adept at juggling schedules and trying to carve out quality time for our family, friends, and ourselves. We’ve encountered a fair amount of “turbulance” in this season, but with God’s grace we’re hanging in there and continuing to learn new things about ourselves every day.

Thanks for stopping by.

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